Today I think I want to begin a whole year of bhramacharya. Celibacy.
I read an article in a yoga magazine maybe a year ago, about a woman who did this. She described it has such a transformative experience for her... for her self-identity -- as a woman, in her relationships, in her self-explorative journey, in her empowerment. I felt inspired by it then and I have thought about it often in the last few months.
A couple month ago, after my most recent break up which left me hurting far more than a 2-month old relationship should, one of my soul-sisters shared her own journey of unfulfilling relationships and how her 2 year period of celibacy gave her space and time to deepen her experience and grounding in herself. She said that it was a culmination of years and years of self-destructive behavior and bad relationship choices… and this 2 year period of celibacy brought her into a light and self-sufficiency and ultimately attracted her life-partner with whom she now has a magical and loving relationship -- a kind she never believed she would find.
I want all these things.
I have had so many unfulfilling relationships and I haven't been able to figure out what the missing piece is. Either I'm attracting the wrong people entirely, or I'm unable to stay grounded in myself when I being in a relationship. I am slowing coming to terms with the idea that I might be single forever and it is not such a frightening thought anymore.
I would like to have a partner someday. I would like to have an equal, a soul-mate, a shining star that makes me shine a bit brighter too.
Time off from dating sounds right. I am in the middle of a major transformation. I am learning and exploring and being thrust into a phase of changing what I do every day and what I do for a living. I almost have no time for distractions.
I do acknowledge that I have strong feelings for multiple men in my life right now -- men that I cannot pursue relationships with, but I do fantasize about. I have also recently, actively been available on online dating sites and open to casual sex encounters. But so far, I haven't had that happen. Either plans fall through or I just don't feel right about it. I have for years, jokingly blamed things like this on my imaginary fairy godmother who flies around my life watching and protecting me from relationship fiascos, only allowing the ones that I have something to learn from.
Either way, I think I'm long overdue a phase of conscious and intentional singlehood. Conscious and intentional self-grounding and self-love and emotional self-sufficiency. Today has been like a strangely magical day. I feel some power in setting intention today.
I have a lot going on and a lot to focus on and a big part of that needs to be actively moving away from spending too much time feeling the despair of being single. I think a whole year of bhramacharya will establish a sense of oneness and depth in me that I need and finding that connection with the divine.
I am scared of what this means. The sexual turmoil for one but also the emotional struggle that will come with it. But I think I can embrace it as part of the process. It will be hard. I embrace it. It will be such a challenge, but I need to and I know I can do it and the coming out of it will be special. I will spend time reading more about bhramacharya in the yogic concept! The commitment is for me and I honor it starting today.
Today is October 1st. It has already been a few months of being single. I can do another 12.